How can I improve this poem? - Poetry Forums

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Author	Message
FallenAngel Members 378 posts Location: Micronesia Occupation: Upholder Age:	#186329 2008-05-20 14:21 GMT
	CRIMSON MEMORIES Tell me still the stories that haunted, expunge those memories in my arms. I remember that dream of you, crystal eyes and diamond tears. Would that dreams really were the key to waking sorrows. Would that I could take your stories and turn them into dreams...


HocusPocusCrocus Members 366 posts Location: Cuba Occupation: Orthopaedist Age:	#186330 2008-05-20 14:24 GMT
	Some type of simile or hyperbole in the last lines.

Horsewisperer Members 344 posts Location: Canada Occupation: Bodybuilder Age:	#186331 2008-05-20 14:25 GMT
	Being Honest i dont know poetry but it looks good already.

SoftballPlayer Members 361 posts Location: Niger Occupation: Biochemist Age:	#186332 2008-05-20 14:25 GMT
	Put a metaphor, or simile in the ending.

IntoTheTrees Members 334 posts Location: Mauritania Occupation: Weatherman Age:	#186333 2008-05-20 14:26 GMT
	#DELETE# sorry

Guineapig Members 383 posts Location: East Timor Occupation: Shepherd Age:	#186334 2008-05-20 14:26 GMT
	Most of the line breaks sound unnatural if you're reading it out loud. Also, the word "expunge" is really grating... completely un-poetic.

Hippie Members 358 posts Location: San Marino Occupation: Consultant Age:	#186335 2008-05-20 14:27 GMT
	I think it's really good. I like the way it flows. I also like poems that are sort of unclear as to what they are referring to... The only two things I would think might improve it is that I'm not sure of the use of the word "expunge"... I feel like it has a connotation that doesn't really fit with how it is used and maybe a different word would work better. Also, when it says "I remember that dream of you"... it reads a little difficult. I had to reread it a few times to understand what it meant. Perhaps "I remember dreaming of you"? or "I remember the dream of you"?

JunkFoodAddict Members 364 posts Location: Cocos Islands Occupation: Ornithologist Age:	#186336 2008-05-20 14:27 GMT
	It's pretty good, I'd say change/rewrite these two lines as it makes it kind of confusing and takes you out the poem. Would that dreams (eg.) What if dreams Would that I -> Wish that I

DeadlyAmphibian Members 389 posts Location: North Korea Occupation: Microbiologist Age:	#186337 2008-05-20 14:28 GMT
	a harder effort. sometimes poems have to bake for a few days before they are truly ready.

Freedom Members 324 posts Location: Saudi Arabia Occupation: Orthopaedist Age:	#186338 2008-05-20 14:30 GMT
	Great Poem! instead of using stories in the last stanza you could use something more dramatic!

MardyMarsupial Members 356 posts Location: Macedonia Occupation: Audiologist Age:	#186339 2008-05-20 14:31 GMT
	Tell me still the stories that haunt those memories in my arms are lost I don't know..the next stanza is good... Would that dreams really were the key to waking sorrows Would that I could take my memory of you and turn them into dreams

Doughnut Members 371 posts Location: Dominica Occupation: Distiller Age:	#186340 2008-05-20 14:34 GMT
	The words are very nice, But try making them rhyme. Poems are so much more enjoyable to read when u rhyme them up Also, do ya like my poem? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhMURqdUp20mkdrMo9CrTHjsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080520112149AAPrlDC

OldFriend Members 357 posts Location: Mauritania Occupation: Ambassador Age:	#186341 2008-05-20 14:38 GMT
	Well I am no good with critiquing work, but I really liked this. I love your last stanza about taking the stories and turning them into dreams.

oddperson Members 345 posts Location: Sweden Occupation: Accountant Age:	#186342 2008-05-20 15:18 GMT
	Better yet, take my dreams and turn them into stories.

FieldsOfGold Members 339 posts Location: Switzerland Occupation: Economist Age:	#186343 2008-05-20 15:22 GMT
	Roll eyes at comments "would that" is perfectly fine your obviously being old-fashioned Anyways...this is very sad..I have a feeling that someone is cutting themselves..but I'm not sure if it is the narrator or the other person..

SecretCelebrity Members 356 posts Location: Gambia Occupation: Office Assistant Age:	#186344 2008-05-20 16:54 GMT
	The title is enigmatic and passionate and the poem is full of compassion, words that are clearly meant to solace someone who is full of sorrow. I love the sentiment and the way this is makes me think and feel. It has such bittersweet beauty. Thank you.

Foxglove Members 379 posts Location: Saint Kitts And Nevis Occupation: Herald Age:	#186345 2008-05-20 18:34 GMT
	Many times we wish to turn dreams into stories... taking it form this different angle intrigues me. I was captured by every line my sweet...

JohnnyKnox Members 351 posts Location: Burundi Occupation: Xylophonist Age:	#186346 2008-05-20 19:14 GMT
	In my eyes, you can't, but I am more flawed than most here! So forget what I say!

SpongeBob Members 393 posts Location: Vatican Occupation: Webmaster Age:	#186347 2008-05-20 22:14 GMT
	Sometimes our dreams contain more real truth than wakeful reality does. If we listen to them, they may very well provide the key to waking sorrows. As far as improving this otherwise perfect little jewel, the others are right, "expunge" must be expunged."

Contageous Members 396 posts Location: Vatican Occupation: Sailmaker Age:	#186348 2008-05-21 10:31 GMT
	i dream that i dont wake up to what is known that i went to bed alone im awake, and long to dream of what i know. yes. the eyes..